Monthly Archives: November 2017

Round Four – The Gang

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“Welcome back! We are about to start the second half of our football (soccer) championship game between Visitors and Home. For those who have missed the first half, the score is one to nothing for Home, with the ball hitting the net just before going to the locker rooms. The weather is nice, sunny and warm, making this a lovely day with a family, here at a national stadium. After few minutes rest players are now returning to the pitch. Coaches grouped the players to share some last-minute tactics before the referee will blow the whistle and the second half of the game will start. As all of you know, it’s a game of two halve, therefore still much can happen.

And there it is! The referee started the second half. The Visitors are not wasting any minutes, knowing they are playing not only against Home team but whole crowd who is screaming and cheering for their players. Everyone knows that with this kind of support you can move mountains. The Visitors can feel that pressure coming from tribunes hence they need to score a goal until they will not run out of motivation. As with each minute passing by this game will be more and more difficult for them.

Nice cross by the one visitors trying to reach Tymek. The ball slightly misses him and he needs to catch the pass. Oh no! Quick slide done by Boldy and the Home is back in control. Long pass to Szymon, what nice tackle, he passes one player, two more, and there is only him and the goal keeper left! Will he manage to score? What a suspense. Crowd is getting louder while Szymon stopped for a split of a second, looked into goal keeper’s eyes, twisted his lips into adorable, disarming smile and shoots! Gooooalll!!!! Did you see it?!?! He puts the ball in the net! The goalkeeper just stood there and could not do anything about it! The game barely started and Home managed to score another goal!

2-0 may for some may look like the game is over, but let’s not lose hope. There is still time for at least one goal for the Visitors. One that will raise them from their knees and put back into the game. Visitor’s goalkeeper kicked the ball. Cross went to midfielder, he started his run, passing two defenders. Oh, I think we will have a chance to see a goal for Visitors. The midfielder passed the ball to the attacker. He allowed the ball to pass him. He followed the ball with his eyes while turning around and when the ball was in the perfect position, he hit it with full strength. “Yes?!?…Yeess?!??…Oh nooo!!! What a save!!! Have you seen it?!?! The goalkeeper jumped to the ball, that was heading toward upper right corner and with just a split of the finger he managed to push it away from the goal. The referee whistled and we are going to have a corner. Both teams are battling in the Home’s penalty area trying to win best spot to score or defend the goal. The whistle blown by the referee and the ball is heading straight to the center of the penalty area. All the players are in the air trying to reach the ball with their heads. Yes?!?Yeees?!?! The ball is heading towards the net, kicked by one of the players from the Visitor’s team. Oh no!! how much bad luck you can have in one game?! Everyone saw this ball heading straight to the net, but it took this strange turn just at the end and hit the woodwork! The crossbar is what they need to satisfy with! “

“Don’t stop… never stop…” Voice whispered in my head. ” Please, if this is how our life will look from now on, let it be, but make it last. Last as long as it can be… I want to see him running, laughing, having fun with other children… There is nothing more pleasing to my heart than his happiness… It spreads warmth into my whole body and puts huge smile on my face. I know it may mean that he will not have a chance to live a normal life, like any other kid, but please at least give me those kind of moments… They help me to forget, forget where we are…”

The Gang – bunch of kids, different age, from 2 to 14 years old running around in small groups. They were making lots of noise but no one dare to reprimand them, silence them, as this was what kept this place alive. This was breath of fresh air, which this place gained each time The Gang met. And you could see that for some kids, like Szymon, not having a chance to play with peers, as it was too risky to go to kindergarten or school where you could get deadly infections, the gang was the reason why they smiled on to the way to the facility. The smile, which was healing our bruised hearts from consciousness that we need to bring him back there. To the last place on earth you would like to drive your child too.

The Gang did not have a leader, but Boldy being the oldest was having the highest authority in the team. Szymon, who was treated like his younger brother, were given much more attention and sympathy. This gave me peace in my heart that even if I lose sight of him Boldy will take care of Szymek. Even corporals when they saw those kinds playing, showed sparks of joy in their eyes. They were sometimes yelling to slow down, walk, don’t run, but it was only to keep them safe. They knew that some kinds should not force their heart so much, due recent chemo injection, which still might be weakening their body. “…I beg You! Don’t take this away from me…. don’t take him away from me…”

 “10 minutes to the end of the match. The Home team is in possession of the ball. There is not much time left, there is always not much time. Let’s see what they can do! Short pass and the ball is going to Kacper, who passes to Maks. Just look how he sprints with the ball! He is running towards the goal, slows down trying to catch a breath, looks around and sees Szymon running on his right. One tackle, and two more defenders ahead of him. “Here! Here!!!” He could hear Szymon screaming on his right. One more tackle and Maks and Szymon are left with the goalkeeper. Maks looked at Szymon and though, “He is younger, I will give him this satisfaction to score another goal.” He passed the ball to Szymon, who did a quick slide to reach it, stood up and shoots… Goooallll!!! GOAAAALL!!!! Everybody screams, everybody smiles. “What a day!” Stated the commentator. “3-0 to Home. With only five minutes till the end of the game nothing will take away their victory, nothing will take away this joy of winning the game. They are almost there!”

“Boldy! Boldy!” familiar voice yelled from the crowd. “Come on, your meds are ready! I need to hook you up.” It was one of the corporals ending the game. “Ehh” Boldy turned around and headed towards the corporal knowing that there is nothing else but just to end the game 5 minutes before. “Just 5 minutes?” He asked with high hopes in his heart. “Ok, I am waiting for you in your room. But just 5 minutes, as I will be late with the others!” Corporal responded with a smile on her face. She also knew that nothing bad will happen if she will delay the meds by 5 minutes but lots of good will come out from them playing a little longer.

Those corridors have magical power of changing to whatever those kids have in their minds, could imagine. One day they are football pitch, the other racing tracks. Those little bold heads running, screaming, laughing made this place much sunnier, less gloomy. And seeing Szymek playing with them, sharing the joy of being among other kids, made my heart swell with happiness.

“Please stay tuned, as next week we will host for you last race of the season. Find out who will go home with the World Champion title and who will just have to settle for a second place!”

Competition

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Life teaches you to have distance to situations you come across. Poor are those, who were given such a lesson and they did not draw conclusion from it, meaning did not change their attitude. For me, one of the key findings in those days was that, drama can take on different faces, and that point of view depends on where you sit. What will look like an end of the world for one will be just a minor issue for the other. Your childhood crisis looks funny to grownups, love related issues would be blessing for those who don’t have money to buy food, and stress at work would be nice break from constant pain suffered by oncological or neurological patients. Strangely those who suffer less are often much louder from those who are really in pain.

“How are you?” I asked the person calling me.

“My world just ended, he left me, there is no point of living anymore…he was everything to me…” The tears started to fall on the other side.

“Cheer up, I know you were seeing each other only 3 months, but I can expect that it can be real drama for you.” I tried to put her heart into peace.

“I will try…but you know… I need time…and how is your life?”

 “I am fine. No change, my son is still fighting with this deadly anomaly in his body, but I am sure we will manage. We will beat it and have our life back.” I replied trying not to sound like her problems were nothing compared to ours, but more showing that even if this kind of situation you should not lose hope.

“…I know my problems are nothing compared to yours…” her voice started to be much calmer.

“Yes. You’re right” I smiled trying to bring better mood into the conversation.” Remember this next time you will start to cry because of some jerk leaving you”. She smiled back to me.

Those were times when knowing that not many people can help me, understand me, I can at least show them how lucky they are not to have worse problems.

Most of those who lived the same and understood me well were very supportive, compassionate, and in most cases their story was no better from ours. But there were also people who for some strange reason still needed to compete. Still trying to show whose life was hit more significantly and whose was just dabbed by real life tragedy. Let’s leave them aside for a moment and come back to the facility.

 “Tell me, which door would you like to choose? One where you come here for a week, they do few quick tests, sometimes performed a surgery, and at the end of that week you know if your child either flew to heaven or is disqualified. Or maybe the second one where you wait. You wait weeks, months, sometimes even years. Each day can be the one where they will say – “Now it’s time!”.  Each day is one more day stolen from them. One more day given to you to spend more time with your loved one. Each day which may bring another chance to sabotage the flight. Tell me, do you prefer to know it quickly or wait and just use that time as best as you can. Knowing that the day will come but you just don’t know when…”

There are ten floors at CSD, each one carries different training courses. Key ones are – floor number six, heart uniqueness, most of cadets come here for short period of time. Captains run few stress tests, perform a surgery and at the end parents are told if their child is qualified, which in many cases it means flying to heaven within that time spent in CSD. If not, as the anomaly was fixed by accident and cadet no longer qualifies, they send the child home. Floor number three, sight anomalies. Most of the cadets who are send to this floor will not be qualified for the flight. Reason why they train them is to find something, more unique anomaly, which would allow them to move the cadet to our, seventh floor. My dilemma is fifth and tenth floor – neurological uniqueness. Cadets here showed high brain potentials. They could envision things non-other could. Problem is that in most cases their brain had to disable other functions to perform those tasks. Here you could see, what parents called, disable children, with cerebral palsy or epilepsy, which often is down to either no contact with their child or having a ticking bomb in their head. One that could explode any moment without giving any warning. Each time I saw them pressing button with either 5 or 10 I felt compassion, seeing in their eye despair caused by conscious constantly remaining them that their child will not survive without sever consequences. And all they have is just waiting for the flight while taking care of their beloved, not really knowing what he/she is like. The only thing that they can be sure of is that from time to time he/she suffers lots of pain, as those visions came with a price.

Coming back to the competition visible on our floor. You could hear parents talking from time to time, on whose child is more special. “70 percent chance for a flight?” Asked one of the mothers ensuring she heard it right. “I would love to have that much. My son has only 90 percent. You know what that means? There is only 10 percent chance, he will not make it. That I will be able to take him home with me…” You could see tears appearing on her eyes, when she was saying that. My key take from life is that many times it acts very ironically on us. Especially in those kinds of cases. Later, it was him with only 10 percent of chance to be disqualified, who left for home, while the one with 30 percent made the flight.

Luckily there are also people who have distance to all of that, knowing that those emotions are not really helping, changing anything…just making your life worse…like it would really need to be.

 “What you worry about?” She asked with a bit of surprise. “I forgot to give her Lugol’s iodine before the test!” Mark replied nervously. “So what? Worst case scenario this will just give her thyroid cancer. They will take it out and she will be fine. Not like what she is having now.”. She replied with a bit of irony in her voice, as in those kinds of moments you just don’t know if you should cry or laugh.

Life can be a great teacher. What is huge tragedy for one, for you is just another road block, which you overcome quickly and do not spend much time on it.

Tarantino’s Chapel

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“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

Once you pass the main entrance of Center of Space Diagnostics, little to the side, there is a room adopted from an office space into a little chapel. During the day, it is open for everyone, and in the evening you can pray through the metal bars, allowing you to see what is inside.  I saw quite often people going there to have their one to one session with God. Praying, begging, promising, arguing, thanking or just sitting there in silence, waiting for some kind of sing of His presence. You may assume, that this is typical Roman Catholic chapel. Modest in its decoration, giving the sensation of peacefulness and calmness. Once you walk inside, you are up for quite a surprise, as I was, when I saw it for the first time.

“Come in stranger to my little boutique! You can find here all you need. Just tell me what’s your worry and I am sure I can find a remedy for it.”

It was at the beginning of our stay in CSD when I found this room. I looked for a bit of peace, for a place where I can reset my mind. I hoped to find there seclusion, as this is what you would expect from place like this. Little that I have knew I was going to have a bit of surprise, for sure this was not the place I expected to find. When I crossed the doorstep I was hit, overwhelmed by all the things, that I have encountered inside.  I sat on the bench and looked around, everywhere my eyes went I saw icons, paintings, figures, drawings or small statues. You name it, you got it!

“Today we have a special offer, say two Holy Mary’s in front of Lady of Fatima, and you can be sure she will listen only to you!”

There are few different paintings of Jesus – big cross hanging right above the alter, Jesus from Manopello or St. Faustina’s Jesus, couple of versions St. Mary – of Fatima, of Czestochowa, bunch of Saints, and even pictures of holy places. And if those were not enough I saw children’s drawings, either thanking or asking for blessing, rosaries and all size of medallions hanging on the walls, relics of saints standing in couple of places. And all brought just one question to my mind. “Where the hack am I? I wanted to have some peace and here is noisier than on bazaar”

“Skip the line to the Jesus, I trust you for only 10$. Please go the left from the main alter and there you will find him. Tell him you are coming from me and for sure He will help you.”

If you feel that you are not worthy of praying directly to Jesus or Mary, you can choose one of the many Saints, whose either relics, painting or pictures are present in the chapel. St. Padre Pio relics are on the right just next to his painting hanging on the wall. If you prefer more recent Saint, one who will better understand problems of the modern world – no problem! John Paul II relics are on the left, accompanied by his portrait and pictures of him. Just ask and he will pray on your behalf. If you prefer more figures over the crosses, or painting over the drawings there are couple of standing here and there. One would ask, “So, what is the issue?” For me, personally, is space. If I would be sitting in large cathedral, I would not even have noticed the amount, but in this small room, where you can hardly fit 50 people, you just don’t have air to breath. And instead of having a spiritual experience, you feel, a bit like you are in the middle of some cheesy Tarantino movie. With more focusing on human rather than God’s aspect of prayer.

“Bring on the actors!”

Leading role is held by priest, close to his 60s, not too tall not too fat, I would say nothing unusual. Until…. until he starts to speak. He has a deep, calm voice, likes to pause from time to time and emphasize words, which are being spoken. At first when I heard him I wasn’t sure if he is serious or not. If this is real Mass or just theatrical play. I saw and heard many priests but this one was too much for me. The culmination of his acting skills can be seen during the Eucharist. “Take this, all of You, and drink from it,“ he paused for a second, then rose his voice ”for this is the chalice of my blood, the blood of new and eternal covenant,” lowered his voiced and started to heavy breathe ”which will be poured out for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins”. He rose the chalice above his head, and it looked like he would dip the bottom of the cross hanging high before him it in and started to speak loud again. “Do this in memory of Me.” Exhaled and lower the chalice. And for couple of more minutes my mind instead of being focus on the pray was wondering, “Did he really dip the cross in the wine or it only looked like that.”

When he kneeled, and bowed his head – people responded, “We proclaim your death, O Lord, and profess your Resurrection until you come again…” And in that response, you could hear our second actor. Mid-age lady, sitting to the right. After participating in couple of masses I saw that this is her spot. She helps to clean the chapel daily and takes care of the decorations. You can see that this means a lot to her, and without judging, you can read from her face, that she had different turns in life, not all good, but now she found salvation in God, and puts exceptional care in being as best as she can in her relation with Him. So what so special about her? First time when I heard people responding to priest her voice stood out. This was the moment when I stated to look through people and try to find out who speaks so loudly, slowly and articulates all the words so much, like she wanted to make sure God understand her very well. And this was far from normal pronunciation. Like your English teacher speaking to you loudly and slowly to make sure you understand every word he is saying to you. From time to time there was also a stand in that help her. Old lady who was singing so loudly and so out of tune you wondered how much more you can get out of this place.

Time for third actor, 30 plus man – The organist. Normally he would not have been even spotted by me, but since he sits behind his organs located on the left side of the altar, you can see him from the start. What so special about him? He has this nervous smiling grimace, that doesn’t fit to the moments in the mass, you starting to feel a bit puzzled. Is he smiling because, he also can not stand priest’s poor acting skills, or he is just nervous, that everybody looks at him when he is playing the organs and sings. I know I am picky here, but in combination with the rest this is just another little relish that just makes this place unreal.

I have tried many times to ignore all of that and just focus on the reason why I am in that place, but I just can’t. It is too much for me. Maybe I saw too many Tarantino movies and still think, that if he would come here, and say “Action!” nothing more needs to be done. No directing, no extra scenography, just “Action!” and he has another good take to his movie. Maybe I am looking for some answers and all those statues, pictures, paintings, people and priest are drowning God’s voice and I just can not hear Him talking.

“Dad.”

“Yes, son?”

“Why you allow all of that?”

“World would be dull, if it wasn’t for those people. And at the end, I loved them as much as I love you.”