On the road again. Road, which until now was anticipated with joy and happiness, road which drove us to our grandparents knowing they eagerly await us. This road was leading to the next stage of our training. I never thought I would feel anxiety driving it. Fear caused by the worry that from now on, it may be associated with different meaning. In Szymek’s mind those hills, bridges, windmills passed on the way will, from now on, frighten him as now it will lead to another place of pain.
I tried to focus on driving, but my mind was constantly wandering off. Battling questions, which had no answers.
“Do you think we are doing the right thing by going to this facility?” Mag broke the silence asking a question, which I had in my mind. We often read each other’s minds therefore it was not a surprise to me hearing out load what was a whisper second ago.
“Honestly, I don’t know,” I replied with hesitation in my voice. “It’s again one of those decision, which we don’t know if we made a right call.”
“Center have very good surgeons, maybe we should stay there and have the operation in the Center?” Mag probe me to reassure herself if this time we are sure about our choice.
“You know, that we are going to the best surgeon in the country to take care of Szymek’s tumor. I am afraid that if we would stay and something went wrong, we would not forgive ourselves for not doing all in our power.”
“And what if he will mass up something? Cut his kidney?” She asked with worry in her voice.
“I know. The best surgeon can have a bad day same as inexperience one can have his best day in his life, performing impossible. There is nothing else left for us but to trust God and his guidance,” I paused for a second. “It all went to smooth, and you know that I often say. If you look like you are floating with the current and not against it may be the way to recognize God will.”
Passing viaducts, which were new build but reminded me of old bridges. I liked passing them as on one hand they were adding some nice flavor to the road and telling us that we not far from grandparents’ house.
“Honestly I don’t know,” I finish my sentence after a while of pondering.
“Let’s float with the current and see where this river will lead us” Mag replied concluding our discussion.
These were strange times where I was looking for a hook. Something what I could grasp, hold otherwise I was left with darkness. I look for ways to chase it away from me hear therefore holding to God was for me a key. Plus, I hoped that he will guide us through all this suffering to happy end. I looked for all the things, which were visible to me and ponder on hidden ones just to make sure I won’t miss anything. I will follow all the clues, read all the signs and follow his way. Mag was initially more skeptical but closer to surgery she also started to hope, like me, that miracle will happen. To the extent they will open him and there will be no tumor. Nothing! But at the moment I would settle even for non-spectacular miracle. Just to have him fully healthy…
“Grandpa’s chimney!” Szymek eagerly shouted seeing in the distance two power station’s chimneys. Two red and white towers seen from the distance. Same ones, he watched from grandfather’s balcony. He liked them so much that every time he saw similar ones, he was screaming Grandpa’s chimney. This time those were exactly the ones.
“Yes, grandpa’s chimney” we replied with smiles on our faces. Smile, which covered the truth why we are here. Why I hated this uniqueness, as it was changing things in ways I did not want to change. Changing paths, which eagerly awaited to take, now come with fear, anxiety. Places, which we cherished in our heart with good memories now were shaded, dark.
Life loves to play tricks on us, showing that nothing is certain. What we thought was well defined, put in the nice drawer, placed in the neat box on the shelf of our mind under the section called happiness, next day janitor comes and moves it to the opposite section.