Eyes of curiosity, eyes of compassion

“With my eyes shut I sense your peeking, gazing, even when you’re trying not to show your curiosity. I feel your sight even when you think it is unseenable. In those short moments where our eyes meet…which last a life time to me. Don’t be scared to look deep inside.

A small window to my soul, I hoped to be small enough to hide my fear. And while looking back at you I could see what you see, it still did not give me full confidence I was able to cover it fully. Hide the reason why I’m here. Yet, it is not me who feared the most. You worried your child will catch it from mine. The uniqueness which you don’t have.

Don’t allow your superstitions take you over. You are perfectly safe, you can not be infected by his touch, by his smile. Don’t be scared to say “Hello”, simple “Hi”. Those few words in moments like those will allow us to take our minds off what is happening. Will give us a moment of rest from this heavy burden.  I am not asking you to lift my cross and carry it for me, just to pretend we’re no different, we are the same.  And I know it’s not true but let’s pretend. Can you do this for me?”

Funny how life can lead you to places you never thought will be given to you to experience. In the facility we were currently staying most of the cases were very trivial, minor to us. Not really life-threatening i.e. broken leg, or some minor surgeries. And we came here with serious case, where the surgery does not have to go well. This could mean we could be facing a situation where we did not even have a chance to properly say goodbye to our son. Szymek could just fly off to heaven and we would be informed afterwards.

It took only a day the news to spread, which cause for us to be on the spotlight. This was due to blood transfusion, which we needed before the procedure. Here, it was quite a unique thing as you don’t need it other cases. To our misfortune the blood came late at night making this even more spectacular event. Due to the big windows in the wall, and the need for having full light during the transfusion as we needed to make sure Szymek will not get any allergic reaction, next room neighbors had to be also awake. It was then, when curiosity filled their hearts and they have started to wonder why we are here. What was bringing us to this facility and how fatal it was since we needed late evening blood transfusion. A procedure already common for us, as this was quite often in the recent days, completely strange to them, causing more attention than really needed. From that moment on, we had their curious eyes constantly gazing at us, trying to find out why we are here.

It did not help when later in the week, after the surgery Meg or I was coming back to this empty room to get a bit of a shut eye while Szymek was staying in the semi intensive care room. This caused speculations if all went well.

“Don’t be afraid to look me in the eyes. I am not a monster, who will hunt you down. I am no different from you in a need of compassion. I still fully understand you because few months back, before all of this, I would too wonder why you’re here. Same as you, I would not have a courage to speak up, to say few words that will comfort you. Be more than me, be better than I would have been if I would be standing in your shoes. Just say, “Hello…”