You see so much pain, tears, and suffering. You see hope in people hearts, that this is not the end, happiness, that they fear so much to show to others, as they don’t want to bring bad luck to their loved ones. So many quarrels, that captains are not helping them, why they are hurting their baby. Those long night talks, when you can release some stress by talking to each other, as during the day you try your best not to burst into tears. You hear so much praying, begging, promising to God, that if he will not take what has the most value to them they will change, they will be a better person. You see those innocent smiles of kids running around, as this is now their home, their playground, their backyard, school yard, their life. Those kids, that when nobody is hurting them, they can still laugh, have fun, play with each other. Those corridors, where without them most of the parents would be lost at the start, as this is the place where you could hear those whispers, those advises going from one parent to the other, on how to overcome certain problems. How to save their child, or at least lower their pain. If those corridors could talk, they would tell us unimaginable stories.
It was at beginning of our first stage. Our captain was about to initiate first round of chemo. Proceeding this we needed to read couple pages long document stating all the positive side effect of the drug, where ironically losing hair, which most people see as a drama, is the least important one. Especially that you know that those hair will grow back, but hearing for example, once lost is will not return. This was also first time where we were asked to make a decision, which will significantly affect out life. We were asked to choose which indwelling central venous catheters was to be inserted into Szymon’s body. There were two options, Broviac with line sticking out of Szymon’s body, or port, paced underneath his skin, and when needed needle is placed through the skin into the reservoir. Just hearing about it was already an image you would like to quickly get rid of your head, but we were to decide, which would be better for him, for us. Now when time passed I know that both options are having its pros and cons and would be fine for us, but at that time we needed to make quick decision. This was forced to us, as in day or two Szymon was schedule for short medical procedures when they would place whatever we decide inside his body.
This is the time where you started to look for help, as you know the best advises come from people who already pass this stage, and needed to make same decision. In this case, would be from other parents. And what is the place for that? Corridors! Place, where you can ask a question to random parent and in most cases you will receive an answer. An answer, that for sure you would not get from any of the captains as they look at your cadets and in most cases think of what would be good for the mission, which not always has to be good for your child, or yourself.
”Don’t even think twice about it. Choose port. Most of the parents prefer it over Broviac.” Started one of the mothers.
“They put pressure on you to choose Broviac and use all the tricks, even play on your emotions, but main reason for it is, that they are much cheaper, and they don’t want to spend more money on your child than necessary.” said the other one.
“I have Broviac, and I am really satisfied by it. I know you need to take care more about but at least we don’t need to stick a needle inside each time we come here.” was the voice of third mother, which got quickly shut by the fourth one.
“When you look at the western countries they place ports even on animals, but not here, here they want us to be like those in the in third world countries. “
We knew, that you can never be sure what is right for your child. That, in both cases he will suffer pain, and you just try to minimize it. And wherever we looked i.e. internet, we never got the answer of what is the best solution. Therefore this was one of our first times where we also involved our intuition and just followed it. Listen to that gut feeling, or saying it properly, God’s feeling inside of us. I know this seems trivial when you look from a distance, but at that time this was the question, the issue, that we needed to face.
With doubt in our heart, if our pick is the best one, we went to our captain, and told her our decision of choosing port. She was not too happy about it, stating that if it was her child she would choose Broviac. She honored our decision and we did not came back to this discussion anymore. Slight relief on our side and one less problem to worry.
Thank you silent corridors, you are my place where I cried, you are my place where I smiled, but for most, place where I could find help, which in some cases saved my child.