You fall in my arms so weary and weak,

and yet you still have strength

to lay your hand on my heart

and stop the bleeding, bring me back to life…

„I am sorry, but I can not release you home,” Captain Wild said to us entering our room.

“Why?” I have asked with a bit of surprise in my voice.

 “Szymek’s blood results show a significant drop after the seventh round of chemo and this could be our chance to shorten the training, “She continued with showing us the recent test results. “As his leucocytes are very low right now, we have a higher probability of deadly infection. Therefore, if he catches one we will need to react quickly. We need to be sure that all the preparations before the flight are done properly and the risk of going off the course is minimal. “

She was telling us this with a calm voice. Trying not to show too much emotions. Emotions, which could tell us a bit more about her. A bit more why I have this feeling, that she is trying to do all in her power not to make any mistakes. Worried that those mistakes can be used later against her. And you can feel it stresses her out. She tries not to show it be I could sense it. Problem was that it was something more in it. Like she would not want to relive something from the past, but I did not know what. What caused her to be so distant so cautious.

 She seemed to be in her late thirties, from our initial interactions she was very pedantic, which you can also see in the way she dressed under the captain’s uniform. You could sense that she is putting lots of focus into details. This also translated into her work, where she was making sure all tests are done well and on time.

“I have scheduled transfusion of red blood cells and we will try to stimulate cancer cells with neupogen. If we will not succeed and this will just lead us to rebuild of leucocytes, then we will reconsider releasing you home for few days.”

Captain Wild left the room in the same peaceful and quiet manner, that she entered it, leaving us depressed.  I am not sure what was worse. The fact that we need to stay here, and Mag was tired from constant presence in the CSD, small break could do her a miracle. Where she would not need to use common shower, could sleep in her own bed, catch a breath of fresh air. All those small things helping her to recharge the battery for the next chemo injection. Or the fact, that none of this was shown by Szymek, none of those bad results could be seen in his energetic, full of strength behavior. Like our test results were misplaced and by accident taken from somebody else. All of that made us worry, that his uniqueness will not give us any heads up of potential change. And his well-being, can change very rapidly without preparing us for it.

Even though you barely can keep your big blue eyes open,

Half-conscious, heavily breathing to stay alive,

Yet never give up to show us your smile

You never give up

“I will not make it” Mag broke the silence with tears in her eye. She sat on the chair next to Szymon’s bed and started to pat him on his head while he was sleeping.  “I don’t have strengths anymore.” I could see, that those test result cut her wings, as we were hoping to hear something different.

“What else can we do? We need to be for him.” I tried to cheer her up, but I was not really in better mood that she was.

“You are not here all the time, you don’t know how is to be here round the clock,” she replied with slight aggression in her voice.

“How to cope with the place where you don’t have any privacy. Can not go freely to the bathroom as you are scared that while you are out something may happen to your child. Need to wait in the line to wash yourself, and not even be able to go outside breathe fresh air and just have a short break from all of this! And try sleeping on this bed. My back ache so much that you can not image. Plus, I can not get a good night sleep as I am worried that something will go wrong, need to check if he is still breathing, did not wet his bed and sheets needs to be changed, or even pomp will beep and wake up everybody around us.”

 “I would switch with you if I could, but he is so close with you. There is no problem during the day, when he is occupied playing, but as soon as he gets tired he asks for you. And I can not imagine how I could stay a night with him without you not being nearby. “

Honestly, I feared staying there alone with Szymek. And not that I would not know how to take care of him but that he would miss her so much that would cry all night. And we tried to minimize reason for tears as much as you can. It was often that Szymek during the night would waken up and looked for Mag’s hand dragging it on to his belly and asking her to cuddle him.

“I know, but not sure how long I can take it. Staying here without a break,” Mag replied.

You need to be careful in stating out loud your fears, as you never know who listens. We did not need to wait long for our big test. The irony played it strings again and it was not Szymek who got sick, caught an infection, but it was Mag. As she was weary it was not difficult to catch something. We could not risk her infecting Szymek, so there was no other way but to isolate her from him. During the day she was wearing a mask and we decided that the night she will spend in the hotel building attached to CSD. She could have a normal night sleep and if in the middle of the night Szymek will wake up and will not stop crying she will come before he will wake up the whole facility.

“Remember to change his diaper before going to sleep, and if you awaken at night check if he will not need changing to avoid puddle in the morning, “Mag was giving last instructions before leaving to the hotel, “at midnight there is balance of fluid so don’t go to sleep beforehand. Try to keep the bed a bit away from Szymek’s bed so the corporal will have an easy access to his bed during the night. In the morning make milk when he wakes up, you can read to proportions on the box”

“Honey, if I will need something I will call you. Don’t worry I will handle it.” I tried to feel confident but inside I was also scared. Mostly of him waking up at night and starting to cry because he can not see Mag.” Get some sleep. Rest and we will see each other in the morning.”

“I am not sure if I will be able to fall asleep,” Mag replied.

We played a trick of Mag putting Szymek to sleep and once his eyes were closed she left for the hotel.

“Father, if you can hear me, please help me. Help me fight it off, chase it away from his body. I trust, that whatever happens is for our good, but I am not sure if I could stand him leaving. Please change the plans. Make him stay here, and not fly to heaven…”

I looked at him sleeping, so innocent yet fighting with such a strong demon. I could not help to shade a tear, which I needed to hide quickly as corporal surprised me coming to the room and asking for the balance of fluids. As I tried to fall asleep Szymek woke up and started to call for Mag.

 “Mama? Mama?” He sat on the bad, like it was middle of the day.

“Mummy is here, she just needed to leave for a second but she is here” I whispered to him not to wake up other children in the room.

“Mama!? Mama!?” Szymek started to become more nervous.

“Mama will be here shortly,” I pat his head hoping this will help.

“Mama!” He started to cry.

“He woke up, and is looking for you,” I text Mag.

 “Do you want me to come?” She replied.

This is when I saw Szymek claiming down and being sleepy again.

“No, I think he is falling asleep again.” Szymek shut his eyes and laid on the bed.

The rest of the night went peacefully and prize was a big smile on Szymek face when he saw Mag next day.

I stayed few more days to ensure Mag is well again. She finally had a chance to rest properly. I could see that those few days charged her giving again strength to fight.

Please stay,

Stay to chase away darkness

It fears your love

I need your love