Turning on the light to chase away darkness from your room. Opening the tap to wash your hands without a need to disinfect them with alcohol each time you wish to touch your baby. Using your toilet and not thinking who sat on it before. Not worrying, that you might bring some infection just by using the bathroom. And even taking a breath of fresh air. Just sitting outside and listening to the birds singing. We really don’t know how much we have until someone takes it from us. Often, this is seen as nothing, normal life, but when you can not do it anymore you realized how important it was to you. CSD teaches you to revalue many things in your life, especially those, which you did not even knew matters so much to you.
Szymek was still lacking strength. His results were slightly improving, but not enough to be released home. Good days were over, when we came for 4-5 days to take chemo and went back home to rest for few days before the next injection. It looks like now, there will not be any break before the last round. Still with his slight rebuild of red, white blood cells and platelets we manage to convince the captain to give us a few hours pass. We still needed to come back to the facility for the night, but it gave us, Mag especially, those few hours, where she could rest at home. Additionally, each time we came back, Granny, who was helping us much with Szymek, cooked something good for him. She was the only one, stubborn enough to shadow Szymek with a spoon in her hand and used every chance there was to feed him. And thanks to her, he ate much more than at CSD, much more that we would be able to feed him. We were very grateful to her knowing how vital it was for Szymek to eat and regain strength.
Strength, which miraculously was not departing him. Each time he enters home’s doorsteps he was full of joy and happiness. Running all round the house, trying to play with all the toys, which were waiting for him in his room. In times it looked more like he would fear, that someone will take them away from him and he needs to spend as much time as possible playing with his cars and trains. We could see worry, hiding in his heart, that he will need to come back to CSD shortly, which unfortunately was truth, and will not be able to play with them anymore. Picture of him having such a good time made us happy and made us cry, knowing that this will not last for long and we need to go back to the place of torment. How much we would give just to stay home, no need to go back to the facility. How much we would give, for a night spent together in our bed and not on the uncomfortable camp-bed, or me alone in the room wondering how my family is doing. Still we had at least those few hours when we could go home together. Mag could take a shower in her own bathroom and rest a bit in her own bed. This was much appreciated knowing that some families are coming to the Centre from far and they don’t have this luxury.
“We need to go,” I said to Mag, looking at the clock. It was getting close to end of our pass and we need to go back before the night falls.
“Let me just take, a shower at home, as I hate to take it there, and I will be getting ready,” Mag replied and went to the bathroom.
Knowing that there is nothing waiting for us in the Centre – no meds, no liquids, no night injections – and we were coming back for the night just for observation, I wondered maybe there is a chance they will allow us to stay at home and come early in the morning. Maybe my luck is still with me and the captain on the other side of the phone will have mercy on us.
“Hello?” I heard the night duty Captain voice on the other side of the phone line.
“Hi, this is Szymon’s father, I have a question. A little favor to ask. Since there is no meds schedule for Szymek tonight, would there be a chance for us to spend this night at home and come to the Centre early morning before the morning shift arrives?” I tried to be polite and convincing as much as I could.
“Let me check with corporals if this is the case,” the line went silent for a while. “Yes, you can. Just please, as promised, be early in the morning so there will be no issues with the morning meds distribution”. Said Captain.
“Thank you!!” I put the phone down and was back in heaven. The thought of having my family for a night was like a Christmas in the middle of the summer.
“Mag?” I open the doors to bathroom, while she was still taking a shower. “I have surprise for you,” I started with a smirk on my face.
“Really?!” She answers from the shower angry, that I am disturbing her in those few minutes left where she could relax under hot water. “You can not change the diaper yourself and calling me to do it?”
“No, it is not that,” I have replied.
“Tell me,” she said with a little hesitation in her voice.
” You can stay for a night,” I said with great smile on my face.
” Don’t joke about it. It is not something I would like to humor about,” she knew that is was almost impossible to get this kind of pass from the captains.
“Not joking,” I replied with a huge smile.
“What?!? But how?! You called the facility??” She asked, not believing what she is hearing. “Yes, I said, that since we don’t have any meds schedule for the night, maybe our daily pass can be extended to a night and we could come back tomorrow morning,” I saw how with each word her face gets happier.
“OMG! I don’t believe it! I can sleep in my own bed!” She started to cry from happiness. ”Szymek!!! We are staying home tonight, no need to go back to the facility.”
It took him a while to be fully convince, that we are telling him the truth, and shortly after he was laughing again and we were crying, from happiness. Joy of not needed to do anything else today but just lay in bed, three of us, and fall asleep…safe.
“You may give me an entire world, but it will be nothing if I will not have my loved ones next to me…if I will not feel loved…”